weird mirrors

When it comes to social adaptation, how good is too good? When your mode for one person starts seeping into who you really are, or makes you feel as though you're losing part of you? When you have to question the validity of your emotions? When lines that were clear before become blurred? Or is that more of a sign that you're not good at it, that you should be able to separate the chameleon colors from your original shade?

I think it's a sign that it isn't necessary. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't pretend parts of me don't exist, or that they are different. I don't have to impress all of myself upon people, of course, but I shouldn't be censoring to this degree. So many questions of the self that I'd originally had fairly settled have been kicked up again in the past few weeks, the biggest trigger being the fact(?) that my head's not even screwed on straight. I have a somewhat formed idea of who I am by now. I need to get that idea back to the forefront of my concerns and continue working on it as hard as I was before. No more of this excessive people-pleasing - not only is it clogging up my schedule, it's throwing all the critical balances way off.

I know I began this blog trying not to do too many of these useless rambling personal kinds of posts, but I think it's good for me to have this pulled out of the current chaos in my brain and clearly recorded. Besides, February's looking a little skimpy - only 5 posts. So in the interest of mental health and aesthetics, hey-o, I'm not dead again. Just out of commission on several levels. I should be back to writing breathlessly about youth and art and all that soon enough.